Two Sentence Stories

I’ve kissed so much corporate ass that I don’t even notice the taste anymore.
Other people can smell it though, and see the stains.

I understand you are jealous of the position I’ve reached.
It’s not my fault I worked hard for two years and now I don’t have to work again!

Hey web-stalkers!
Thanks for stopping on by, and thanks for the sex/job/emotional support or whatever else it was you gave.

I looked for you in all the usual places; job agencies, friends of friends, publishing houses. Little did I know you lurked right there in front of me in my keyboard letters.

This post was submitted by Claire Duffy.

When I sigh at work I’m really saying “you’re a fucking idiot who should die horribly”.
No offence.

Hey, did you hear that the rules have all changed?
Yeah, being a boring self-centred fuckwit is now sexy so you’re totally in dude!

Welcome to corporate slavery and meaningless drudgery.
Oh, I mean welcome to your cubicle.

If only we could teach teenage boys that the amount of hot pussy they can get is directly proportional to the amount of money they have.
Within a generation we’d have some of the hardest working motherfuckers in the world.

The amount you are paying me by the hour isn’t enough to make me forget that I am trading away something irreplaceable.
Lucky for you I don’t have anything better to do right now.

They said they expected high performance.
Sure, I can steal stuff off Wikipedia better than anyone I know.

Blind rituals, archaic strictures and useless rules.
Work, religion, love, it’s all the same.

Tomorrow at work they’ll ask me what I did on the weekend and I’ll lie and say “you know, just had a bit of fun” or something like that.
The truth is that on the weekend I mocked a few religions, declared a meal “the worst I’ve eaten” though it wasn’t, slept alone, and relaxed my [...]

A company would fire you without hesitation if it were good for business.
That is why we don’t tell companies our true goals.

When you said “attention everyone” I thought for a second you would actually say something interesting.
Like about how the guy leaving was a horrible person to work with, an insufferable bore and many of us there would happily kill him if we thought we could get away with it.

The clench of fear can hit anytime.
Mine hit about four minutes before I quit my second job.

Garlic, wooden stakes, holy water, crucifix, silver bullets, horseshoes and a blessed bible and I’m off to work!
Corporate mergers and acquisitions mostly.

I really can’t pinpoint the moment I went from being young and fun to being old and sour.
Sometime after I started my first serious job and somewhere between the third and tenth time I had to sell out everything I believed in is my best guess.

You can be a puppet with strings or a puppet with a hand up your ass.
Things they never tell you about adult working life.

I get paid.
I get laid.

Usually I say I write when people ask me what I do at work.
Actually, I write, I surf the web, I think about wasted time, I try to stop myself feeling bored, I laugh with the guys I work with, I resist the chiming calls from the back of my brain to just quit, just [...]